Children experience different feelings every day, such as excitement when they see a toy at a shop or chocolates, anger when a game ends soon, or anxiety when they meet new people. These are normal parts of growing up.

For some children, these feelings feel so big that they cannot manage them. Some children find it harder to control their emotions. When a child finds it hard to stay calm or return to a comfortable state after a setback, this is called an emotional regulation difficulty.

This struggle is not about a child being “naughty” and “defiant”. It is often a sign that the brain is still learning how to handle big feelings. Parts of the brain, known as the prefrontal cortex, that control impulses and help us think before we act are already the last to fully mature (Kolk and Rakic, 2022) and for some children these regions may take even longer than others to mature.

Recognising the signs of emotional regulation challenges early allows parents and caregivers to give the right support and seek professional help if needed.

The Science Of Emotional Dysregulation in Children

The brain develops in stages with the lower part of the brain developing first and then the upper part. Dan Siegel refers to this as the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain (2015). The Downstairs Brain handles basic survival responses, regulating our body such as heart rate and breath and involves integrating our sensory experiences. The “Upstairs Brain”, helps with logic and reason, problem solving and making decisions. This involves the prefrontal cortex region that takes much longer to develop. For some children, the connection between these two areas is a bit slower to form, or their nervous system is naturally more sensitive. (Gaffrey et al., 2021, pp. 176-185)

Why Children Struggle with Emotional Dysregulation

When a child feels overwhelmed or unsafe, their brain moves into a state of safety seeking. This makes it difficult for them to focus on tasks or interact well with peers. (Corbett et al., 2016) Understanding the root cause helps us move away from blame for behaviour and towards understanding. A combination of biological and environmental factors can contribute to a child’s difficulties with emotional regulation.

Diverse neurotypes, genetics and health factors can contribute to different emotional regulation profiles in children (Legacy of Mental Distress Following Physical Illness in Childhood: Findings From the Australian Temperament Project, 2020, pp. 67-75) For example:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: can make it hard for a child to pause before they act or stop themselves becoming overwhelmed by their feelings.
• Autism: This may lead to increased internal tension due to a higher sensitivity to sensory experiences such as noise, touch or light or increased stress when in social situations.
• Anxiety: This keeps the body in a constant state of worry, which drains the energy needed for self-control.

1. Frequent and Long-Lasting Outbursts

Children who struggle with emotional regulation often react with intense anger, frustration, and sadness.

All children experience moments of big emotions, but how often and how long these moments last can be important. A typical outburst from a young child usually lasts a few minutes. If a child often has these moments for longer than fifteen or twenty minutes, it shows they find it challenging to return to a calm state by themselves.

The length of the child’s emotional response to an event is more important sign of emotional health than whether the child becomes upset or not.

2. Difficulty Putting a Name to a Feeling

To manage an emotion, a child must first identify it. Children who have difficulty with self-control often feel physical unease but cannot explain the cause. They may report a stomach ache or say they feel bad when they actually feel anxious or unhappy.

Many people refer to this as a lack of emotional knowledge. If a child does not have the specific words to describe a feeling, that feeling stays intense and confusing. When a child cannot say they are frustrated, they often act out physically with a scream or a push. (Shipkova et al., 2025, pp. 1982-1996)

Studies from theYale Centre for Emotional Intelligence show that children who learn to name their feelings are more likely to complete their education. These children also tend to form stable friendships as they grow older.

3. Strong Reactions to Small Problems

A strong response to what people would consider minor problems could also be a sign of emotional regulation challenges. For example a strong and prolonged response to how a parent cuts a sandwich or a change in the dinner menu might be a sign of a child’s reduced emotional regulation capacities. Whilst a big emotional response could happen with a 2 year old, these same situations would be unlikely to be a problem for a 6 year old.

When a child reacts with intensity to small changes, the cause often lies within their sensitive nervous system. There is a strong link between emotional outbursts and the way the brain processes physical sensations. For children with sensitive responses to sensory experiences, a sharp sound or an unexpected physical contact does not feel like a minor nuisance. Instead, the brain treats these inputs as a direct threat. This leads to an immediate state of distress that the child cannot easily control. (Sheen, 2017)

4. Physical Actions and Impulses

When children feel intense fear or anger, they frequently react without prior thought. This leads to physical acts like hits, bites, or the toss of a toy. These physical actions show that the child’s brain is still developing the cognitive maturity to stop and think prior to responding.

Children with high impulsivity often feel a deep sense of regret particularly after a physical action as a result of an emotional regulation challenge. These children do not intend to cause distress to their peers or damage possessions. However, in a moment of intense stress they just don’t have the capacity yet to stop themselves and think about another mode of communication other than physical action.

Understanding that impulse control is a capacity to develop moves the focus from a need for discipline to a need for skill development.

5. Physical Signs of Internal Stress

In many cases, the body acts as a messenger for feelings that a child cannot yet put into words. You may observe that a child mentions a stomach ache on Sunday evenings before the school week starts. They might also develop a headache during large family events or busy social gatherings. Other physical indicators include:

• Damp palms
• Tight muscles in the shoulders and hands
• A fast heartbeat
• Sweaty palms or a racing heart
• Some children also pick at their skin or bite their nails until they cause themselves pain.

These physical reactions happen because the child lacks the specific vocabulary to explain that a situation feels overwhelming. Instead of a verbal explanation, the nervous system sends a physical signal. The understanding of what these internal and physiological body cues mean is known as interoception.

6. A Constant Need for Perfection

We often think of emotional struggles as being loud and messy, but they can also look like a child who is “too good” or too hard on themselves. A child who erases their homework until the paper tears or who refuses to try a new sport because they might lose is struggling with the fear of failure.

This perfectionism is a way to try to control an unpredictable world. If they can make everything “perfect,” they hope they won’t have to feel the painful emotions of shame or disappointment.

7. Sudden and Sharp Shifts in Mood

When a child is happy one minute and upset the next, it can feel confusing for those who care for them. These sudden changes often happen because the child has used up all their mental energy. Throughout a full day at school, children work hard to follow every rule, stay quiet, and interact well with their peers. By the time they return home, they have exhausted their ability to control their reactions.

Professional researchers often call this “after-school restraint collapse.” It occurs because the child has spent all their effort on social and academic expectations. Once they are in a safe place like their home, even a tiny problem can cause a large emotional reaction. This is a clear signal that the demands of the child’s daily environment have exceeded what their current emotional system can handle.

How We Can Help

If you are concerned about your child’s emotional well-being or would like support, getting started with our services is simple. Parents and caregivers can contact Child Sense directly through our website or by phone to book an initial consultation. No referral is needed. During this first conversation, we guide you through the options that best match your child’s needs and set up the next steps for tailored support. Our team is available to answer any questions and make the process as smooth as possible.

The team at Child Sense recognizes that each child distinctly perceives the world. They offer several models of therapy input to assist children who find it difficult to maintain emotional regulation. These professional services provide practical support for families and community organisations such as schools and early years settings:

• Ayres Sensory Integration Therapy: This intervention helps children identify and handle the sights, sounds, and physical sensations that cause intense reactions.
• Skill-Building Workshops and Direct Therapy: Therapy sessions teach children how to label their feelings.
• Social and Emotional Groups: These small groups offer a secure place where children can explore and practice how to handle the emotional challenges that can happen within friendships.
• Parent Coaching: Professionals give parents specific methods to use at home.
• Environmental Advice: Therapists demonstrate and discuss with carers and teachers how to organize a room or a classroom. A well-organized space lowers stress.
• Close Liaison with Other Health Professionals: Child Sense actively seeks to build a support team around a child and their carers. We have a close relationship with Diverse Minds Psychology and Speech and Growth Clinic Speech Pathology who share our Leichhardt premises, but we also actively meet and discuss a child’s needs with any professional involved in the their team.